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There are countless blog posts by wives writing about what they wish they’d known before they were married. I love those posts! And now here’s one by a husband — three things he says he wish he knew before he got married.
The third thing he writes about is something that I know causes a lot of conflict…
Nick Pavlidis, A Terrible Husband contributor, says this one thing is something that could have saved him a lot of heartache if he understood it well before getting married.
I think it’s something that could save a lot of couples a lot of heartache, so here it is!
“3. Her family is your family.
“Iâm blessed that I come from a great family. My wifeâs family is large, about twice as big as mine (at least in the U.S. â donât get me started counting the Pavlidi (is that the plural of Pavlidis?) in GreeceâŚ.). And theyâre great, too.
“For the first several years we were together we argued about âfamily time. ” On Christmas, spending 1/2 the time with my family and the other 1/2 with hers didnât work out because her parents had divorced and remarried when she was young. So we had three full houses to visit. It frustrated me because I thought it was âfairâ to divide the time up 1/2, 1/2 between my wife and me. She thought it wasnât fair because then her parents would each only get 1/4. She thought it was âfairâ to divide the time 1/3, 1/3, 1/3. I didnât think it was fair because then weâd be spending 2/3 of the time with her family. Yes, we argued about stupid things like that. At one point I even âofferedâ 40%, 30%, 30%. I thought that made me the righteous oneâŚÂ It didnât sound as stupid back then⌠at least to me it didnâtâŚ
“After a few years of arguing about this (seriouslyâŚ) 3 things about this caused me to think and act differently. First, it doesnât really matter how much time you spend with a particular person on one particular day. Even holidays. What matters most is how you treat them every day. So who really cares if we spend 2/3 of the time with âher familyâ and only 1/3 with mine, or whatever?
“Second, theyâre not going anywhere. They are her mom, dad, sister, brother, cousins, whatever. It just so happens that theyâre all really nice. But even if they were jerks, theyâre probably not going anywhere. Sheâs going to want to spend time with them. And I happen to enjoy spending time with them, too. In our case, not only are they not going anywhere, but Iâm actually happy about that.
“Third, her family blessed our marriage. They welcomed me to the family. They love me. They support me. They support us. Sounds like family to me. And while Iâve always loved spending time with her side of the family, it was âher familyâ for a while and I felt the need to âdefendâ time with âmy family.â
“Once I accepted those two things, it didnât matter what percent of time we spent with whom. We see everyone. They know we love them. Theyâre all family. I was pretty much arguing for the sake of arguing after a while. To win, so to speak. Man, how many stupid fights I could have avoided if I had just realized that six years agoâŚ.”
Sound familiar? đ I bet most of us can relate.
My mom always told me when you marry a man, you marry his family… And almost three years into marriage, I’m here to tell you she was pretty much right! (Hi, Mom!) And that can be a good thing.
You can read more here.
photo credit: John Hope Photography
p.s. I want to share one more photo! I’ve always loved this perspective — the faces of all your family & friends behind you, supporting you, cheering you on, as you get married and become one. Isn’t it beautiful?!
